Hiiiiiiiiiiiiii :3
So it's been a whiiiiile! I know it's unlikely anyone is actually reading this but I've had a lot of stuff going on, so: if you're out there, I'm sorry, Random Citizen. My eager fans may recall from previous posts that I had been looking into getting a powerchair (specifically the Whill C2), and I ended up getting it! However, in a cruel twist of fate, it has given me so much more energy that I'm no longer capable of being chronically online.
Seriously, mobility aids be aiding. I'm still very much disabled and I still have bad days (during which I get a pallour not unlike those seen on frail orphans in the Victorian era), but just Not Standing All The Time when I go out has relieved a good chunk of fatigue?? Crazy. Anyway, as a result of my... relative burst of energy - the bar is pretty low - I've been a lot more active recently! I've been going into town on an every-other-day basis without needing help, I'm attending my aunt's wedding in a few days, and I've been making finished illustrations much more frequently. Which brings me to the title.
In the last couple of days, I got REEEEEAALLY in my own head about my art ambitions. My long-term and long-time goal is to be an illustrator, specifically working on books because I love books! They've helped me a lot, they bring me a lot of joy, and I would love to be part of that process. My plan to make this goal happen was to get an online illustration degree, but my mum accurately pointed out a few days ago that I don't actually NEED a degree to do what I want to do? Like, it'd be cool and a good thing to list as an example of my experience, but it's a lot of money and time and energy going into something that ultimately might not be necessary.
So obviously I responded to this line of thought very sensibly and immediately started spiraling. The main thing I was hung up on is that in my head, completing the course would be a solid sign that I was Good Enough to go professional - like, surely if I got through it, that'd mean I was at least decent. But then that meant the prospect of not having a solid sign scared me absolutely shitless! Like, what!! I'm just supposed to DECIDE I'm ready?? For MYSELF??? Absolutely not, haaaate that.
What ended up shaking me out of it was a conversation with a friend where it occurred to me that it doesn't really. Matter. What I think I should do at this point in time. Because in order to apply to university, I would need an academic reference, which is why I'm in the process of signing up for a lower-level course so whoever teaches it can vouch for me and my obvious emotional stability. That course will probably take about a year to complete, so until then, my only real option is just to keep drawing.
Which I'm absolutely fine with, to clarify! It's a relief to know I don't have to make a decision now, and I'm looking forward to having a qualification at all. But I'm definitely hoping that eventually, I can make a firm choice and get a sense of direction back with my art.
By the way, I am writing this from my new desk! Well, not new. It was in my old room and my mum just moved it into my current room for me. But it feels new! It's so nice to have a dedicated part of my room for Serious Computer Matters. I can sit here and write my silly little emails and then walk like three paces to my bed and feel like I've just got home from the office. It's great. And I miiight be getting an iMac, once I've sold my old manual wheelchair and have slightly more money saved up! But one step at a time. Next thing I know, I'll be wearing a suit with enormous shoulder pads and talking about work efficiency.